welcome to my journal!

everyone on the web needs a diary or a journal right? i figured this would
be a good way to have a digital "scrapbook" of sorts, so i can have a place
to jot my memories down since my brain likes to erode them.

table of contents:

-april entries
-may entries
-june entries

summer mornings
with how much i talk of despising summer, there is a point to it that i've found myself coming to adore... while the nights are sticky and hot, i find myself waking in the morning to a cool, golden room. and honestly it's far better than rising to pure darkness in the winter. the sun beams warm my body while my open window allows the cool air to flow in. i've found myself these past few days with my blanket kicked completely off my bed just so i can bask in the sun. it's so comforting, so warm, the sun truly is a beautiful thing... sometimes. i still do hate the summer, i hate the heat and how glaringly bright the sun becomes, which is why fall will always be the best season. fight with me on that, i don't care >:(!!
school lets out in 3 days, finally. i'm so excited for this year to be over for me. i'm ready to go back to being a recluse
current artist on my mind: utsu-p

-jack, wishing you well.

(((takes a deep breath)))
ooooh boy oh boy school is finally over and i'm beginning to try and figure myself out more. try to like, find my aesthetic. yknow? finally figure out what the hell i'm doing with myself. i think i've figured out my clothing style...... draingang 4 life lol..... basically,, stuff like this photo: the dreamy y2k(ish) vibes, i have this perfect vision of who i want to be in my mind, and now all i have to do is put in the effort to get there... which is proving to be harder than i fucking expected. school is almost over but i'm getting projects upon projects dropped on me, and i've just been absolutely Trapped in this damn depressive episode, mainly filled with dsyphoria and lack of energy to even get myself out of bed.
i'm just so excited for summer break, i'm so ready to get myself out of this damn school for a few months and work on getting my license and myself, pretty much. i just wanna be happy dammit!!

new may...... slightly newer me, i guess
i can't believe it's may already, where the Hell is the time going. theres only been a few days in the month so far but i've already realized something important about life. things are getting... a little better. but with every good thing it has its consequences. i recently changed my nametag at work to say,,. well my name, jack, and the first night i had the stupid little piece of plastic on my head i received a lot of backlash and hostility from my coworkers. but the next day, things were better. the coworkers during the day shift actually accepted me. it felt nice, rather than being insanely dysphoric over the previous night.

i've gotten high the past like... 3 days in a row, and just being mellowed out has made me feel a lot better about myself. it's given me a lot of time to reflect on myself, and i'm starting to think this month i might actually.... get better. i'm going to try working out, making myself a better person. i'd love to get into witchcraft/spirituality, i already have my spiritual beliefs but i don't practice. so i'm unsure if i will or wont.
i'm also becoming a manga hoarder, i ordered a volume of after-school hanako-kun, and 7+8 of nichijou.
and i get paid friday....... can't wait >;)
i feel pretty good today, i somehow managed to miss the pink moon last night because i fell asleep way too early (shaking my fist in anger)
idk,,,,,,! idk i just feel good, masculine, all the sorts. i still have my insecurities as usual but liiiiiiike... i feel nice today.
i really need a haircut but my moms not letting me yet auughhh come on.....
probably gonna go to chili's with my friend after school. gonna try to convince her to see if we can go to look at the ducks depending on the weather.
my grades are pretty bad right now lol. how the hell is it almost may!? i was planning on trying to get my license by the end of may but idk if that's gonna happen now O__o;?
aaaaah also i ordered volumes 1-6 of nichijou hahaha... it cost me $75 buuuuut yknowwwwww...... worth it. first manga i'll ever own !!!!!!!!!

update: my mom said i cant go anywhere this week because i slept through my alarm once last week, so i've decided i'm going to lock myself in my room all day to spite her.

please don’t force me to work with people everyones in their little groups and i’m at this table by myself, i’m not gonna go get up and sit myself in their group!? are you nuts?! i don’t know these people!??! they don’t know me!! .....i wish i dropped this class while i had the chance.
.....huuaaahgh thank god i got to work with the person who's online. i hate these people so much,.,.,.,,, i hate school in general i just want to go home. getting paralyzed with fear of interrupting the people is so ........bad to think about. wtf is wrong with me lololol.
-jack (ugh)
i think the emotion ive been feeling the most lately is the bittersweet nostalgia of middle school. my cringey "otaku" phase
im just letting myself indulge at this point. im listening to butterfly on your right shoulder as i type this
lmao, all the cringey stuff i used to do... playing the pocky game with my friends, wearing a shitty rin kagamine cosplay, gushing with my friends over nendoroids and photographing them ( T_T)\(^-^ )
it truly is a bittersweet taste. i wish i could go back to when times were that simple.
i dont want to grow up this fast, really.
i got my first 80pp play on osu! today.

that's all, really.
chugging monster during math class is a dangerous game of caffeine buzz or throwing up

mens pants give me gender euphoria because it makes me look as if i have an actual like bulge instead of nothing ..... its nice
for my birthday i'd like a cake that says "its a boy!" with a trans flag on it, i think that'd be funny.
i've not much to say today, i've really got into bandori for some reason, i like moca aoba....

04/12/21 i cannot describe how much anxiety these classrooms give me. i feel insanely exiled and lost compared to everyone else. this is the first day my school is in person with the entire capacity during this year, and it sucks. we sit at desks with plastic barricades around them that restrict our desk space and our vision. i get nauseous looking through them. even my bus is more terrifying than before. thank god im able to sit in the back by myself. im so self concious its insane. sometimes i wish i was a cishet so i could be "normal"... or atleast i wish i wasn't in an insanely transphobic school. these people scare the hell out of me.
lets get hatecrimed!
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