04 17 24 3:33pm
let me start this with a very long and overdramatically drawn out sigh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrghhghhh
i dont really know if theres much to talk about, but i will do my best to recall the like 2 months i havent written in here. ive been going outside more, which is nice considering i was a hermit for about 2 years. i have especially enjoyed going out to a state park near me. anywhere with a creek or running water is somewhere youll find me. its nice to go out and enjoy the little things, even just earlier my partner and i picked up lunch and sat at the duck pond and ate. it was sweet. i really need to make sure he knows how special he is, hes sweet. even when my dumbass is irritated or mad hes still so sweet to me. i dont deserve such love in my life. except, I Do. I DESERVE NICE THINGS DAMMIT. its just the line between knowing i deserve good things and thinking i deserve everything in the world to be handed to me on a silver platter. which is hard to decipher sometimes...
"whats with the dramatic ass sigh though"
right. that. look i dont really know if they think im like trying to torment them or something, but i dated this dude back when i was like 13 for a couple years. and thats not to downplay any feelings that were there, i was just 13 and fucking stupid. bla bla bla things end on a bad note but now i live in the same town where this guy works i guess. which is fucking hilarious to me, why? because they act like im gonna jump them in a fucking department store or something. i have no idea why theyre so scared of me considering that they hope theres "no hard feelings" and "hoping i dont hate them" ... the only reason theyre on my mind at all right now is the fact that they tried to block me on tumblr but ended up following me by accident. which led me down some sort of rabbit hole which made me see that they ALSO have a neocities !!! thats sooooo fucking funny. what im trying to say is that i hope you see this and i hope it makes you sick to know :3 i hope you see me at the local venue and i hope it makes you sick to your stomach :3
anyways.
things are going well looking for a place to move i think. i really cant wait to get the fuck out of where i live now, i want to start a home with my boyfriendddd im sick of having a roomate who hogs the bathroom i want to decorate my place (even just an apartment) like im a vampire i cant wait i cannot wait to live like an actual person with actual freedom. the worst part of living alone is that its gonna be expensive but i really dont care. i work my stupid job to get by, i get to come home to my cat and boyfriend every day. someday he'll be my husband. IM SO LUCKY!!!!!!!! thats how ive been feeling lately. i feel like i am lucky to be alive and share these experiences with others. even if they suck its nice to just exist. ive struggled for so long and im so glad to know that i can get better and that i wont always be so scared and stuck and afraid .
also, my interest in bugs has grown lately. i have a stag beetle tattoo on my arm, the start of a sleeve of bugs and plants. but lately ive just been interested in entomology, bugs themselves scare me. if its alive im scared !!!!!!!!! but if it is like 10000% dead i can look at it and observe it and not want to scream. its a real contradiction with how interesting they are and how scared i am of them. yesterday during a trip out my boyfriend pointed out a deceased bumble bee on the trail we were walking on. so i took it home and its in the freezer waiting to be pinned T__T ... i want to have cool hobbies and ive been interested in bug pinning but why do i have to be the guy who collects dead bugssssssss T_T euugh. its fine. ill buy some pins shortly so i can get it displayed and framed. i will not trap a bug and kill it but if i do find one i will try to preserve it... so heres to finding more i guess *sob*
ill leave on the note of in 3 days i will be going on a road trip for a concert B) i am going to see attila with my boyfriend a couple hours away. on 4/20 B) hehehe. there is a strange novelty in staying in hotels and such. ill have to update with how the show was when i get back. peace
2 24 10:23am
waiting for my laundry to be done at the library so i may as well use the free computers to write in my blog. i didn't really feel like driving so i just carried my laundry bag to the laundromat (like. a 5 minute walk at max) ... and to my dismay as i was trying to put my clothes in the washer, i tore a massive hole in my laundry bag :'3. so i had to drive to the store anyways -__-. i bought a better bag so im just going to carry the clothes home once they're done in the drier. i still don't feel like driving.
i havent really updated my site because i've got other shit to do, drawing, crochet, playing super mario wonder, apartment hunting... eugh. it's absolutely miserable lol. a few days ago i drove with my partner 2 and a half hours to tour an apartment that we've had reserved since december. we walk into the leasing office and surprise surprise they don't take apartment tours after 4pm! (our tour was at 4:30pm...) and after disclosing that we had been scheduled for 2 months we were only met with:
"yeah you must have had rachael confirm it"
...
who the fuck is rachael and why didn't she tell us sooner that we can't tour after 4pm even though it's an option online????????????
but i think we might have dodged a bullet honestly. -__- it bummed me the fuck out to the point i had a meltdown the next day but we march on. since we were close though we ended up going to a nearby mall, which made the day worth it. there's a round one arcade there, the closest one to where i live now, and it is by far one of my favorite arcades. there are plenty of import rhythm games, ddr machines, ufo catchers, etc etc. my first time playing my dream game, which i never thought i would be able to play in the states without buying myself, was here. this time around though i fucked around with the sound voltex cabinet. needless to say i want to go back lol. i didn't know there was so much to the cabinet itself, it's got the main screen where the notes come towards you and your tracks for the left and right knobs show. but theres also a screen underneath that one, like a car dashboard (LOL???) that has so many controls... i didn't even have time to figure it all out myself. my partner also hopped on the pump it up machine with me >__< huehuehue.
otherwise... i've just been trying to survive. hopefully i can be into my own apartment with my partner and my cat soon. tired of living with a roommate and etc etc... we talk of engagement but i refuse while i'm living where i am now. soon though.. hopefully. i really really do hope.
*ahem* anyways. i turn 20 this year, so im hoping shortly after or before that we can be in a place alone together. the way that we're saving money seems to be pointing towards that, god im terrified though.
i've also begun taking art commissions again. i burnt out really bad for a year straight of no drawing, but i'm working on my art style and i really like where it's heading. drawing is fun again, and i've already gotten 2 commissions :3. i also just opened a ko-fi account in hopes of raising money to move. waa waa
2 20 11:20pm
i cant wait to thrift furniture with you and crochet decor for our walls and blankets to keep us warm. i crave domestic life and its in my reach. im so thankful to be alive now
- because of you
1 18 (2024) 07:48am
my computer is about to die so i will write this as quickly as i can. nothing is wrong. literally nothing is wrong right now. and thats terrifying. ive lived in a constant state of stress and fear for the past 18 years and now that im about to be on my 20th. im so SCARED. evrything feels like its getting better, im doing my chores more often, im eating better, im about to go to the gym for the second time this week. WHAT THE FUCMK DO YOU MEAN I HAVE A GYM MEMBERSHIP???????? HOW THE hell would i explain to my younger self that im trying to get better that i am getting better that im about to be in my own apartment with the love of my life and our little baby cat how could i explain that i feel like myself that i can dye my hair fun colors that i can live and be myself and not have to fear the wrath of my father anymore. how could i tell you that we dont talk anymore? that you're free?
ANYWAYS. peace is the greatest fear ive ever known. but id rather be this scared for the rest of my life than ever go back to where i was. im so full of love and hope and joy and i still have my bad days but they arent as bad as they used to be. im
keep holding on. it gets better. i know it does.
12 27 12:11pm
i love you so much. dont you understand thats why this hurts so fucking bad?
i wish i could write screamo
maternal/paternal
12 25 5:42pm
its christmas, and im not 7 anymore. eek !!! look, its cool i guess , my first like... adult christmas. do i even celebrate christmas anymore ? its like a yule/christmas mashup at this point ...
my partner and i were gonna get sushi, but they were closed this year... so we ended up at the chinese buffet, yknow, the kind you find in a strip mall.
which yknow. it isnt bad, theres a lot of other people here.. and i used to come here a lot throughout my upbringing >__>;;
i love you bug ... merry christmas.
12 22 8:19pm
at least i made my bed today.
12 22 5:11am
thank you for helping me fold my laundry when i couldn't do it on my own. (and thank you for paying for spotify premium)
12 19 8:47am
sorry my mom and dad were a little too mean to me when i was young and now im like this forever lol ... ugh.
11 29 1:02am
there cannot be a better life than this one, he wakes me up with tea in my favorite mug. i've never had a sweeter morning.
11 16 11:45am
sometimes i feel a warm drop of water run down my wrist and my heart begins to race
11 14 5:17am
trying to not lose interest in living again . but i'll feel fine in about 3 days .
11 12 23 08:01am
i love you with all of my bruised heart
youd think being at a party would be fun. im trying to have fun, i really am. this whole scene isnt for me though. i can handle one or two people, yeah, but this just makes me want to go home. no amount of weed and alc can make this fun. im trying. im trying so hard. alcholics dont get far, unless they drink and drive. so lets go for a ride! if i could take my ass home i would. but i dont have the gas money for that. or the soberness to do so. im just kinda stuck here until we leave tomorrow. i just worked an 8hr overnight and slept for like 2 hours before i got here so im exhausted. im just tired. im so tired and im so sorry because i know im killing the party. this is supposed to be a celebration, a party, a good time, whatever. but as i sit here on the bathroom floor i cant help but wonder how long it will take for someone to realize im missing. how long it will take to realize "oh, we've left him in the room out there while we introduce another person to weed, lets head back out"? it doesnt matter i guess. nothing really matters, tomorrow will go on as it usually does. i might just be a little hungover.
at least i kick ass at mario kart.
the laughter from outside the room makes my entire body tremble. its simultaneously too quiet and too loud, everything is reverberating
"im so fucking faded dude" ... we get it. you're so cool for being so fucked up and inebriated, you're so fucking cool.
i guess i'll shut up now. drinking makes me want to smoke cigarettes. i hate cigarettes. but they're all waiting for me out there, "yeah he just disappears sometimes". they know i'm gone, so when i show up i have to act normal. i have to pretend i'm having a good time. i'm a horrible liar.
and the worst part is knowing i wouldnt be missed.
10 04 23 11:29pm
