06 26 24 10:48am

hey, i just turned 20 ! ive been able to take a lot more commissions lately and im making mutuals on art sites again... i love being a weird ass furry. ive been thinking about it and at this point ive been a furry for like. 8 years... weird. im also going to my first furry con this year, shoutout anthrocon 2024 LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

06 08 24 1:41pm

i know it sounds silly, but today i mailed a postcard for the first time. i got to go to a pride event again this year with my partner and a close friend and it was a really fun experience. i bought a patch for my backpack and some other miscellenious goods while i was there. but for some reason the most important thing i got at pride was a simple postcard for about .50 lol. its just a weird thing ive always wanted to do. it feels more meaningful than just sending a text message. i just put it in the mailbox and its going to someone very dear to me, ive never done this before so i hope it goes well. i wish i recieved more physical mail but i guess to invite that kind of energy in you have to start putting it out there. things in life are ... fine. i guess. im very happy about the fact that there are only 7 days until i move into my new apartment. its really scary to have this sort of freedom now, because where i live now im kind of still restricted by the fact that i have roomates. now i get to have a place where i can actually mold into a home. a place where i dont have to feel like i should hide away from everyone and repress who i am. because i really need to figure that out lol, im about to be 20 this month as well. and i want to grow and be a better person, i think im moving in the right direction. i am not actively suicidal anymore. which is ... insane, considering the 18 years i just lived wanting nothing but to disappear. i dont harm myself in any form anymore, i have started going to the gym and eating healthier, ive been going outside and socializing more than i ever have in my life... and all i can really say about it is that its weird! it really is.

things will get better. they willll they will THEY HAVE TO!!!!!!!!!

05 24 24 07:07pm

-__-

yknow. it always seems to be when you think things cant get worse that they always seem to do so. whether its the fact that i walked up on my car nearly getting towed the other day as if it were some shitty reality tv show and needing to pay $100 for him to not take my vehicle to the lot. or the fact that i now have to live with a surprise fourth person in the house because our other roommate decided for himself that it was just ok to move someone in who has to sleep on the couch that we are supposed to be taking when we move. things always seem to just fucking suck! always!

i really really just wanted our last couple weeks living here to be normal but now i have to change everything about my daily routine to appease the fact that theres just some fucking rando sleeping on the couch. now i have to hide every feeling i have so i dont make the people around me miserable too. im so fucking agitated why cant things just be normal for once.

i cant wait to get the fuck out of here.

one month until my birthday.

05 22 24 09:20am

good morning.
i barely know where to start with this blog post because i cant even believe its happening lol. if you read earlier entries here you might have seen my horrible first experience apartment hunting. well fail once try again because the second application my partner and i put in actually pulled through T__T. i cannot believe i have signed a lease. i cant believe i made first months rent payment already. these are all terribly scary adult tasks and i feel like the jello equivalent of an adult human being... im so excited. im scared! im horrified but im exhilarated. about everything really. there are roughly 33 days until my 20th birthday, and im still afraid im not doing enough. i feel like im doing something wrong or theres something that im supposed to be doing but im not. but i have also noticed from talking to actual adult people that nobody really seems to know what theyre doing. maybe its the things fucked up with me that wont let me feel like a true adult yet. maybe i just need to live without a fuckass crazyass roommate for once. whether it be my literal family or some guy i worked fast food with for a few years. i never really hae had a safe and healthy environment for me to be myself. ive never had a place that i can live and feel like a human being.
...
sorry im sitting at the library to write this once again while i do laundry and i mistook a tattoo on the man that i see every time i come here as billy mays . so that kinda frightened me for a second
moving on from the ................ that. im really really really really excited to move despite all of my anxieties. im excited to decorate an entire place and im excited to build a home with my lovebug and get comfy bean bags and set up my desk so that i can have a proper art space to paint and draw and start learning how to tattoo... waah. with the realization that my birthday is coming up i started to think about the fact that my mom got me a tattoo gun for my birthday Last Year that i havent had the energy or time to actually use. with the set up of a desk to actually have a space to work and whatnot i think it could be something interesting to do. when i was younger i always told myself being a tattoo artist was like my "dream job" so to speak. realizing the world i actually live in and the bills i have to pay i knew i couldnt make it a full time job, so a hobby would suffice. however i just havent found myself able to get the damn gun out.
and no, dont worry. im not going to use myself as practice. i actually picked out a pretty decent gun with Non Body Safe Ink. so i can practice colors and whatnot. so i couldnt even try to tattoo myself if i wanted to
when it comes to actually pursuing tattooing ... im still kind of mixed on my answer. because yes, i think if i could get my skills up to a level that im proud of it could definitely be fun. however, my art isnt really where i want it to be at to be putting it on peoples bodies forever. and honestly im not that much of a people person. i worry i lack the social skills required to actually tattoo people. or maybe its the push in the direction i need to go ... @__@. ugh!!! once i get settled and actually buy a chair for my desk ill probably start learning how to pull lines or something. i dont know. theres a lot of things i want to learn. i learned the opening to "ohio is for lovers" by hawthorne heights on guitar but i ended up not being able to practice very well because my hands are too small to wrap around the neck x__x. i wish i was joking. i have always had really small hands compared to other people i guess. i might look into going to an actual music shop and buying a guitar that i can get my stupid little hands around and try again but we'll see. i worry i lack any sort of talent required for music or most of anything really. i talk myself out of a lot of things due to my own doubt.
something i have picked back up is working on my fursuit........yes boo boooo furry waah. cry about it and gtfoff my website. my suit has been a work in progress probably since sometime last year but ive had to restart it quite literally 3 times. i am on my third attempt at making this fucking thing im going to SCREAM. i have about half of the base cut out and ill probably have the other half done sometime soon... i dont have any commissions to work on right now so i might do more on my day off. if it doesnt work this time though i might freak the fuck out tbh. i cant try 4 times thats just overkill. if you care about my fursona at all, this is him.

his name is puppy and ......... he is me. irl :3c . gwah
i dont think his facial markings are too difficult for a beginner, but i do worry about finding the correct fur colors. i also am a little afraid to do the hair but a tumblr artist i rly enjoy was kind enough to make this explanation for me so waaaa. if anybody else needs reference on how to make emo fursuit hair check that out. i also have like no sewing experience so this will be a new one for me. i do think making his tunnels for his ears and his industrial piercing could be fun. i also want to try the magnetic eyelid thing.

i think ive ran out of writing juice. i wish i had more energy to walk to the cemetery today but i do not. i have been reading dracula lately and its good, im a little bored of it honestly but i will push through. i have been trying to hang out with friends more and get rid of past regrets ... idk. i want to be a better person for myself and everyone around me. i want to live. i want to live.

05 01 24 ??:??

happy may. heres some shitty poem i wrote

i heard your cry as you locked the door
bursting through the blood pounding in my ears
a heart that can barely keep the beat
of the despairing song sung by the razor
the red that pours through veins escaping
as i take a sharp breath into goodbye
i will savor the darkness as i slip away

04 30 24 12:59am

i dont know how i manage to feel worse in a situation that ive crafted myself. is it wrong to want something for yourself even though it didnt belong to you in the first place? maybe youll be better than i could be and it wont have mattered in the first place whether i was there or not. happy for you in the end even if my heart weighs down my body to the point of incapacitation. maybe ill get over it again and again and again and again

04 21 24 05:35pm

i write this to you with sore arms and a stiff neck. i had a GREAT TIME last night, and im so glad to be home. i probably will be going to work a little sleep deprived but such are the consequences of my actions lol :3 i dont really care. i feel bad for my boyfriend who will also be going to work with little to no sleep. god i fucking love him. hes making chicken parmesean for dinner and hes making like, fancy chicken parm.we gotta put the oven on broil . hes really good at cooking we eat pretty decently for being 20. at least recently our eating habits have gotten better ... tnigt is chicken parm and salad. umm. sorry lol he came to talk with me for a little. THE SHOW WAS REALLY GOOD!!! 4/20 of course is a holiday for me, so i took a 50mg gummy when we arrived at the venue and was goneeee :3c i copped some merch (of course) and then the waiting process began. intermissions between sets are the worst part of concerts ... i think theyre the only drawback really. not enough space came on first doing a fantastic job hyping up the crowd. they said it was their first tour and i was honored to be there for it, hearing the song nightmares live was a DREAM for me and i helped open the first pit of the night >:3 ... i havent been able to mosh at a show in a whiile . but this crowd was fucking rowdy so i didnt get into the pit again after that HAHA. extortionist came on after and also put on a good show ... frankly i was not here for them or traitors so we kinda hung out outside, which most venues ive been to dont have a seating area outside like that so it was rly nice to be able to give my legs a break T__T lolll.

excuse me while i eat dinner

( an entire day later )
after the support acts played it was finally time for the headliners, the question being which will play first? i dont listen to born of osiris so luckily for me attila came on first. absolutely INSANE show, i havent been to an attila concert since my first year at blue ridge rock festival in 2022. (dont get me started on 2023) ... but the energy was just how i remember it. fronz is a total madman and he knows how to control a crowd. at some point someone threw their bra up on stage for him. absolutely no other way that id want to be spending 4/20 than in a room screaming along to songs about partying and fucking and worshipping satan LOLL. i dont remember the entire set list but they played some new songs like "timebomb" and "bite your tongue" but also the absolute fucking bangers such as "three 6" , "metalcore manson" , and opening with "proving grounds" to start the set off right. i didnt get in this pit nor the wall of death but to be fair my glasses were hanging on by sheer will, a paperclip, and copious amounts of e6000 glue. i did just pick my new frames up today so thats not a problem anymore but so be it. im home now and im a lot less tired than i was after the show lol, we didnt even manage to stay for born of osiris' set, but i dont really mind. i once again have to go eat dinner that my lovely boy has made... peace :3 .

04 20 24 01:20am

HAPPY 4/20 ! today is the attila concert , i just have to get thru this shift at work and then im done. i go home and sleep and head out to central [redacted] for the show :3 . i received the financial blessing i was manifesting in the form of my roomate giving me $20 for buying tp a few times lol . helps with gas money :P

lets hope everything goes well. ill update later with more probably :3 ... baiiii

04 17 24 3:33pm

let me start this with a very long and overdramatically drawn out sigh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrghhghhh
i dont really know if theres much to talk about, but i will do my best to recall the like 2 months i havent written in here. ive been going outside more, which is nice considering i was a hermit for about 2 years. i have especially enjoyed going out to a state park near me. anywhere with a creek or running water is somewhere youll find me. its nice to go out and enjoy the little things, even just earlier my partner and i picked up lunch and sat at the duck pond and ate. it was sweet. i really need to make sure he knows how special he is, hes sweet. even when my dumbass is irritated or mad hes still so sweet to me. i dont deserve such love in my life. except, I Do. I DESERVE NICE THINGS DAMMIT. its just the line between knowing i deserve good things and thinking i deserve everything in the world to be handed to me on a silver platter. which is hard to decipher sometimes...
"whats with the dramatic ass sigh though"
right. that. look i dont really know if they think im like trying to torment them or something, but i dated this dude back when i was like 13 for a couple years. and thats not to downplay any feelings that were there, i was just 13 and fucking stupid. bla bla bla things end on a bad note but now i live in the same town where this guy works i guess. which is fucking hilarious to me, why? because they act like im gonna jump them in a fucking department store or something. i have no idea why theyre so scared of me considering that they hope theres "no hard feelings" and "hoping i dont hate them" ... the only reason theyre on my mind at all right now is the fact that they tried to block me on tumblr but ended up following me by accident. which led me down some sort of rabbit hole which made me see that they ALSO have a neocities !!! thats sooooo fucking funny. anyways.

things are going well looking for a place to move i think. i really cant wait to get the fuck out of where i live now, i want to start a home with my boyfriendddd im sick of having a roomate who hogs the bathroom i want to decorate my place (even just an apartment) like im a vampire i cant wait i cannot wait to live like an actual person with actual freedom. the worst part of living alone is that its gonna be expensive but i really dont care. i work my stupid job to get by, i get to come home to my cat and boyfriend every day. someday he'll be my husband. IM SO LUCKY!!!!!!!! thats how ive been feeling lately. i feel like i am lucky to be alive and share these experiences with others. even if they suck its nice to just exist. ive struggled for so long and im so glad to know that i can get better and that i wont always be so scared and stuck and afraid .

also, my interest in bugs has grown lately. i have a stag beetle tattoo on my arm, the start of a sleeve of bugs and plants. but lately ive just been interested in entomology, bugs themselves scare me. if its alive im scared !!!!!!!!! but if it is like 10000% dead i can look at it and observe it and not want to scream. its a real contradiction with how interesting they are and how scared i am of them. yesterday during a trip out my boyfriend pointed out a deceased bumble bee on the trail we were walking on. so i took it home and its in the freezer waiting to be pinned T__T ... i want to have cool hobbies and ive been interested in bug pinning but why do i have to be the guy who collects dead bugssssssss T_T euugh. its fine. ill buy some pins shortly so i can get it displayed and framed. i will not trap a bug and kill it but if i do find one i will try to preserve it... so heres to finding more i guess *sob*

ill leave on the note of in 3 days i will be going on a road trip for a concert B) i am going to see attila with my boyfriend a couple hours away. on 4/20 B) hehehe. there is a strange novelty in staying in hotels and such. ill have to update with how the show was when i get back. peace

2 24 10:23am

waiting for my laundry to be done at the library so i may as well use the free computers to write in my blog. i didn't really feel like driving so i just carried my laundry bag to the laundromat (like. a 5 minute walk at max) ... and to my dismay as i was trying to put my clothes in the washer, i tore a massive hole in my laundry bag :'3. so i had to drive to the store anyways -__-. i bought a better bag so im just going to carry the clothes home once they're done in the drier. i still don't feel like driving.
i havent really updated my site because i've got other shit to do, drawing, crochet, playing super mario wonder, apartment hunting... eugh. it's absolutely miserable lol. a few days ago i drove with my partner 2 and a half hours to tour an apartment that we've had reserved since december. we walk into the leasing office and surprise surprise they don't take apartment tours after 4pm! (our tour was at 4:30pm...) and after disclosing that we had been scheduled for 2 months we were only met with:
"yeah you must have had rachael confirm it"
...
who the fuck is rachael and why didn't she tell us sooner that we can't tour after 4pm even though it's an option online????????????
but i think we might have dodged a bullet honestly. -__- it bummed me the fuck out to the point i had a meltdown the next day but we march on. since we were close though we ended up going to a nearby mall, which made the day worth it. there's a round one arcade there, the closest one to where i live now, and it is by far one of my favorite arcades. there are plenty of import rhythm games, ddr machines, ufo catchers, etc etc. my first time playing my dream game, which i never thought i would be able to play in the states without buying myself, was here. this time around though i fucked around with the sound voltex cabinet. needless to say i want to go back lol. i didn't know there was so much to the cabinet itself, it's got the main screen where the notes come towards you and your tracks for the left and right knobs show. but theres also a screen underneath that one, like a car dashboard (LOL???) that has so many controls... i didn't even have time to figure it all out myself. my partner also hopped on the pump it up machine with me >__< huehuehue.
otherwise... i've just been trying to survive. hopefully i can be into my own apartment with my partner and my cat soon. tired of living with a roommate and etc etc... we talk of engagement but i refuse while i'm living where i am now. soon though.. hopefully. i really really do hope.
*ahem* anyways. i turn 20 this year, so im hoping shortly after or before that we can be in a place alone together. the way that we're saving money seems to be pointing towards that, god im terrified though.
i've also begun taking art commissions again. i burnt out really bad for a year straight of no drawing, but i'm working on my art style and i really like where it's heading. drawing is fun again, and i've already gotten 2 commissions :3. i also just opened a ko-fi account in hopes of raising money to move. waa waa

2 20 11:20pm

i cant wait to thrift furniture with you and crochet decor for our walls and blankets to keep us warm. i crave domestic life and its in my reach. im so thankful to be alive now

- because of you

1 18 (2024) 07:48am

my computer is about to die so i will write this as quickly as i can. nothing is wrong. literally nothing is wrong right now. and thats terrifying. ive lived in a constant state of stress and fear for the past 18 years and now that im about to be on my 20th. im so SCARED. evrything feels like its getting better, im doing my chores more often, im eating better, im about to go to the gym for the second time this week. WHAT THE FUCMK DO YOU MEAN I HAVE A GYM MEMBERSHIP???????? HOW THE hell would i explain to my younger self that im trying to get better that i am getting better that im about to be in my own apartment with the love of my life and our little baby cat how could i explain that i feel like myself that i can dye my hair fun colors that i can live and be myself and not have to fear the wrath of my father anymore. how could i tell you that we dont talk anymore? that you're free?

ANYWAYS. peace is the greatest fear ive ever known. but id rather be this scared for the rest of my life than ever go back to where i was. im so full of love and hope and joy and i still have my bad days but they arent as bad as they used to be. im free. i never thought id get here. i didnt think id be alive to see 20. but theres only 5 months now...
keep holding on. it gets better. i know it does.

12 27 12:11pm

i love you so much. dont you understand thats why this hurts so fucking bad?

i wish i could write screamo

maternal/paternal

12 25 5:42pm

its christmas, and im not 7 anymore. eek !!! look, its cool i guess , my first like... adult christmas. do i even celebrate christmas anymore ? its like a yule/christmas mashup at this point ...

my partner and i were gonna get sushi, but they were closed this year... so we ended up at the chinese buffet, yknow, the kind you find in a strip mall.

which yknow. it isnt bad, theres a lot of other people here.. and i used to come here a lot throughout my upbringing >__>;;

i love you bug ... merry christmas.

12 22 8:19pm

at least i made my bed today.

12 22 5:11am

thank you for helping me fold my laundry when i couldn't do it on my own. (and thank you for paying for spotify premium)

12 19 8:47am

sorry my mom and dad were a little too mean to me when i was young and now im like this forever lol ... ugh.

11 29 1:02am

there cannot be a better life than this one, he wakes me up with tea in my favorite mug. i've never had a sweeter morning.

11 16 11:45am

sometimes i feel a warm drop of water run down my wrist and my heart begins to race

11 14 5:17am

trying to not lose interest in living again . but i'll feel fine in about 3 days .

11 12 23 08:01am

i love you with all of my bruised heart

youd think being at a party would be fun. im trying to have fun, i really am. this whole scene isnt for me though. i can handle one or two people, yeah, but this just makes me want to go home. no amount of weed and alc can make this fun. im trying. im trying so hard. alcholics dont get far, unless they drink and drive. so lets go for a ride! if i could take my ass home i would. but i dont have the gas money for that. or the soberness to do so. im just kinda stuck here until we leave tomorrow. i just worked an 8hr overnight and slept for like 2 hours before i got here so im exhausted. im just tired. im so tired and im so sorry because i know im killing the party. this is supposed to be a celebration, a party, a good time, whatever. but as i sit here on the bathroom floor i cant help but wonder how long it will take for someone to realize im missing. how long it will take to realize "oh, we've left him in the room out there while we introduce another person to weed, lets head back out"? it doesnt matter i guess. nothing really matters, tomorrow will go on as it usually does. i might just be a little hungover.

at least i kick ass at mario kart.

the laughter from outside the room makes my entire body tremble. its simultaneously too quiet and too loud, everything is reverberating

"im so fucking faded dude" ... we get it. you're so cool for being so fucked up and inebriated, you're so fucking cool.

i guess i'll shut up now. drinking makes me want to smoke cigarettes. i hate cigarettes. but they're all waiting for me out there, "yeah he just disappears sometimes". they know i'm gone, so when i show up i have to act normal. i have to pretend i'm having a good time. i'm a horrible liar.

and the worst part is knowing i wouldnt be missed.