feeling: anxious like before a field trip anxious
listening to: library ambiance
06 13 2025 - 11:14am
it is the day before warped tour, the post vacation shakes are setting in haha. i just printed out a map to take in so i dont have to keep getting my phone out to find where im going, and bought some good sunscreen yesterday since the festival is going to be on pavement and im not trying to become a lobster. i've been to two festivals previously and they went well but i think i am reasonably nervous for warped tour. but bug and i have gotten all our prep done, got a portable charger, some cans to skip the line, making plenty of kandi for bands we want to see (my list of must see bands later in this post), and booking some random guys room in through airbnb for a place to sleep for the night. i cant believe warped tour is back...? 2025 is such a year to be emo, though i really am questioning having peta2 as a sponsor because well,,, its just PETA aimed at teens, and it sucks that theyre bringing both jeffree star and ronnie radke into the picture but they really just dont seem to give a fuck >_>
besides that though warped tour has been such a DREAM, im so thankful to be going with my love, he took my to my first festival and all i want is to keep going to them with him. he spoils me so much it isnt even funny. i will bring my digicam so i can take plenty of cool pictures of the BMX and skaters, and the all holy inflatable set time list. im so excited to sweat and cry and scream my heart out these next two days, we leave bright and early at 5:30am tomorrow so we can get the metro to the festival grounds. i've never been on a train before but i seriously hate driving in D.C. traffic and its going to be worse tomorrow because of the parade that our fuckass president is holding. but liiike i dont have to drive so its NICE!!!
the lineup is pretty solid too! if you ignore ... a lot of it. im going to keep my full list under the cut but finally being able to see bands like mayday parade, saosin, streetlight manifesto, being able to PROPERLY SEE ESCAPE THE FATE!!! (their set was cancelled the first time i went to see them and the second time i did was literally in the worlds worst venue) but going down the lineup list... heres all the sets i need to be at :3
!!! NEED TO SEE BANDS !!!
asking Alexandria (if they play old stuff.)
big ass truck
blessthefall
chiodos
escape the fate
from ashes to new
hawthorne heights
hidden in plain view
***mayday parade***
motion city soundtrack
***saosin***
scary kids scaring kids
***senses fail***
silverstein
slaughter to prevail
streetlight manifesto
the red jumpsuit apparatus
the wonder years
the word alive
of course im probably going to be ending up spending time at some bands i dont know, and i hope i can come out of it with some new stuff to add to my playlists B), will update.
- j.v.
feeling: excited to go make brownies!!!
listening to:
a forest - the cure. but it's not actually playing out loud, just in my head on a loop.
05 29 2025
hii um just dropping by to say what the fuck was wrong with me when i made the code for this page? every entry you see here is accompanied by its own div style related to which date it's for... i can just reuse the same fucking div for each one ._. aaaargh!!!! i made things way too overcomplicated for no reason!!!!!
anywho i was going to write in my blog today about my trip to see deftones but i ended up writing a bit more on the front page and browsing tumblr on the library computer instead. i do have some photos to share that will have to wait for the next post. i am picking up dracula again while i'm here since i never finished the novel and don't know how it ends... but things have been alright, im alive and well and im about to go home and make brownies!!! i finally got an electric hand mixer and a space i can feel safe in to work so for the first time in a while im going to try baking something. coffee brownies to be specific. tbh if i want to go do that i better head home now. peace!!!!!!!!
heres a piccy of my cat:
- J.V.
feeling: baked :3
listening to:
nothing
04 04 2025
hello, today i woke up at around 3am to a thunderstorm. it was so warm in my lovers arms while the thunder and lightning were raging outdoors. im glad it feels like i have a family again, him, our little cat, and i. its been hard to feel safe with anyone, ive struggled to trust for a very long time, but it feels like i can let myself be vulnerable again. the reality that we have been in our own apartment for nearly a year is comforting and so so terrible, for the simple fact that time continues to move. but i think im finally starting to come to terms with that. its been easier to get myself out of bed lately, i still struggle but so does everyone, i pick myself up and move on. for if i were to continue to rot in bed i wouldnt have wonderful experiences anymore. yes it would be easier and it would be safer and simpler but i think ive let myself become too comfortable with the person i am and im trying to move towards the person i can be. how would i be able to make memories and meet with friends at the mausoleum to watch the sunrise together? though the reason i find myself regretting and tormenting my mind is over the loss of someone i wish i could have done those things with. i still catch myself saying "it would have been fun if - came with us to do this", maybe not out loud anymore, and maybe less every day. but i still think about that cd i gave you and i do wonder if youve destroyed it and smashed it into little pieces yet. i feel like i fell apart into shards after what happened with that, but im finally able to move past the jagged edges, even if the person with bloody hands wont ever look back at the words given to them. and its fine now, i have better things going on. i work tonight and tomorrow night, take a little nap, and then head down to d.c. for.....
*dramatic drumroll*
DEFTONES.
yes yes eyes yeyseysyyes YES !!!!!!!! deftones announced their tour and my boyfriend has been teasing me with tickets ever since we met, ive been waiting for this concert for like 4 years now and every time i think about it i get teary-eyed lol. i started listening to them when i was 15 give or take and truly their songs have put me through some emotional times, staring at the fan at my moms place in the dead of the night, flying down the backroads to my dads after i got my license, learning how to slowdance with my eternal love. through heartache and love alike i have been aching to feel the rumble of the speakers in my chest of these songs live. even if chino moreno (supposedly) sounds awful live i dont care, im so blessed to have someone to pull through on such a promise for such a long time. i went to my first concert with him and i hope i get to go to my last still rocking out with the boy i met as a teen. we have been managing to pull off a lot of my bucket list items together, and before the show we are crossing another off by going to kura sushi!!! a real conveyor belt sushi place i am stoked!!! its right across from the captial one arena where deftones is performing so we are going to grab a bite before the show ^_^. i will for sure for sure be back to write again after we get back from seeing them, ive been dying for this..!!!!
and i say it a lot but remember that you are loved and important, i wish everyone reading the best. even those who are not actively in my life anymore.
-j.v.
feeling: peaceful
listening to:
library ambiance
03 14 2025
you can click any photo to open in a new tab for a better look :3
good morning all. it is 11am and i just ate the best bagel sandwich ive ever had, theres a cafe in town that bakes them and theyre so fresh and so crispy. i want to try making bagels at home because from what im seeing its just like making bread but you boil it first. which isnt the way i would have expected it to work but it cooks the outside of the dough so it has the rubbery(?) outside and doesnt expand the whole way. theres your bagel fact of the day.
im out for a walk on my own today which is a change of pace for me, i usually am out with my boyfriend but he is sleeping after working all night :3 we take together walks all the time, but its nice to be alone sometimes. we went on a very unplanned together walk yesterday though, a 2.6 mile hike up a mountain to be exact lol. the weather has been warming up and the wind isnt unbearably frigid anymore so we have been out and about a lot. theres a state park not too far from us so we drove out there planning to walk around for a bit, i love playing pokemon go so we decided to see if anybody had created a route around there to follow since we didnt know where to go. surprisingly there are a lot of routes out there and i would really love to go follow some more. we chose to follow a route down (i really should say up) a trail called charcoal hearth trail. little did i know this was actually one that we had backed out of once before as it is listed as the "most difficult" trail at this state park -__-;; i even called it on the way up, "it better not be the one with all the stairs" ...
it was the one with all the stairs.
(where we began)
i took a lot of photos on my digicam that ill have to update a bit later, im writing this at the library right now so i cant really transfer the photos off at the moment. the trail we walked used to be a site for a lot of hearths, hence the name. there were four signs alluding to where they used to be, but nothing remains of them but the pads they sat on. which i didnt even manage to see. its a pretty steep climb up graefenburg mountain, around 600ft from where you begin in the parking lot. after you get past a mile of stairs straight from hell its really peaceful T_T. you can see the tops of the mountains surrounding the nearly 3 mile loop and its so quiet.
(a view of the mountains)
we considered backing out a few times but we figured we had some snacks and some water so we might as well commit to it. id really say it was worth it, i had such a good time with my bug and im really glad he had fun too :3 we saw some deer walking through the woods and we heard an owl somewhere... my body also isnt in horrible condition after all that, which is very good considering i could never have done something that intense say, a year ago. but ive also been going to the gym and ive changed my diet up now that i can be in control of it. leading to roughly 20lbs off since the beginning of the year :P im proud of myself and im gonna keep working on it!!!
all in all it was amazing, yesterday was just an amazing day in its entirety. there was a lunar eclipse last night that turned the moon blood red, bug called me to wake me up at 2:30am for it (thank you bug) and it was slightly creepy to see. im just glad i made it this far to see it, theres so many things im thankful to be alive for. and its been rough, i never thought i would make it, but im still kickin, im having so much fun doing it. this is your reminder to please stay alive, its so worth it. and go to your state parks!!! they need your help now more than ever.
(path on the trail, an awesome tree, a very round moss, a view of how far into the woods we were)
peace,
- jack
feeling: dizzyy...
listening to:
rottenmango on yt
03 07 2025
heyy i caught a terrible horrible nasty cold so im sat under my heated blanket drinking earl grey. i figured i could share some photos and details about my recent travels while im stuck inside, its been awfully windy and as much as i want the fresh air im just so out of it from this sick. last week my boy and our buddy went to our first tiny little d.i.y. show, this was our friends first concert ever and im super glad they had a good time because they got pushed over into the sound equipment beside the stage by accident T_T. everyone pulled them up quick but it was a gnarly fall which they handled super well haha. we saw addled brains, no comply, social pressure, and YDI. all local punk bands which i havent heard before but Loved. i just updated my cd collection page with one i got from this show, actually. i really enjoyed the energy from no complys set, a skatecore band based out of york, PA. had to cop merch after the set and almost missed the vocalist of the band. but we ended up chatting and he hit me with the "hold on a second" a.k.a. taking home a free cd!!! the venue was really no more than a big apartment living room, i was nervous the floor was going to cave in from all the jumping around but i could definitely say that it was one of the most fun shows ive been to, im glad we got to go out and enjoy smaller bands that are close to home. it was a great sense of community and as nervous as i was i had an amazing time. i left my phone in the car and everything, just brought my digicam in. please please support your local scene, you wont regret it!!!!
here are some pics from the night, thats all i got for now though. :3 i feel like shitttt
my boyfies silly spikey hair. it held up all night!
during addled brains set
framed hole in the wall...
feeling: misused
listening to: do it now remember it later
11 29 2024
HIATUS OVER, FUTURE PLANS, AND SOME RECENTS
whats up, its only been like 5 months since i've been able to sit down and write in my site blog. i've been a little busy traveling, exploring cemeteries, crossing band performances of my bucket list, and settling into my FIRST APARTMENT. its been taking a little bit of getting used to, as most things do, but its been a very stark contrast to the rest of what my life has been like in all honesty. i feel like i can finally get a grip on what im "supposed" to be doing and i can take care of worrying about who i truly am rather than worrying about being desaturated enough for others to handle. im tired of being miserable and feeling like i have no control over what im doing, but i do now. and i've been taking full advantage of that fact since i realized it was dangling in front of my face for so long. because as it turns out, thinking really hard and whining all the time about what you want to do and not doing anything about it sucks!!! it fucking blows!!! and im tired of it! so i did something about it lol. these past couple weeks i've been dedicating every other day to getting out to the gym and working out, i never skip leg day now *flex*. its been a good improvement overall, i eat better, i feel better, im more confident to wear clothes that i have been afraid to in the past, im less lethargic... and thats all i really wanted from going to the gym anyways. i have other goals but that was something i've wanted to target for a while... i can also lift things easier, i don't intend to get ripped or anything but i wouldn't mind having some amount of muscle behind me.
on the topic of things i need to do... i need to keep working on this site!!! i've been making a lot of art lately, so i will probably make an art page to host here soon... i already post on FA, tumblr, and bsky thouugh, and im not much of one to want to post on 500000 platforms. but it would also be nice to access my full illustrations without anything in between them. i've been managing to take quite a good amount of commission work lately so it might be nice to have a proper portfolio of some kind. something else i really need to work on and i keep thinking about instead of doing is LEARNING GUITAR
...
ohh yeah. thats right. white boy with a guitar. muahahaha. but theres actually a pretty cute story about how i got this bad boy,
so listen up:
theres a soft sprinkle outside. it is early morning and i am sleeping like a brick, as in you'd think i was an inanimate object if you tried to wake me up. my boyfriend tends to rise before me in the day and in doing this he stumbles across something on facebook marketplace he can't resist... its nothing fancy, but its decently priced. and close. i think he knew i wouldn't be getting out of bed any time soon, so he gently informs me that he is going to retrieve something from marketplace and he'll be back soon. who am i to stop someone, i sleepily wished him well and went back to counting my sheep. thankfully, we live in a walkable town, because this man told me he had walked a mile, and drug this back home new in box in the rain for me ;__; i wont gush about my boyfriend in this entry too much but i couldnt be luckier or happier or!!!!!!!! AAH. i still haven't picked a name out for it or anything... i haven't even tuned it yet >__>;;; im starting at absolute zero knowledge besides the opening chords to "ohio is for lovers"... so im intimidated. but, like everything else im not just going to sit back and let life pass me by. im going to grab this shit by the throat and ride it out until the last breath. i will survive. i have survived this long and i will keep doing it, i will keep living, loving, and doing it all. i will keep proving the people who think poorly of me wrong, i will continue to climb this mountain to the top, for you may heckle me at the bottom, i am still higher than you will ever be, or you will ever get. i've been having some really awful feeling moments these past couple days due to a. *checks notes* falling out with someone over grindcore... in which they decided to come into my messages some days later to belittle me and tell me im a bad person for... oh what, telling someone i feel avoided? saying that i didn't feel like someone was being a good friend? and it just kind of sucks to have tried so hard just to get spat back at with insults and bad attempts to make fun of me. but i wont go on about that anymore because i'd like to be civil about this like ADULTS instead of making fake accounts to hide behind because you cant have a mature discussion face-to-face.
i really should stop waiting so long to write blog entries, because it kind of paralyzes me with, "theres so much ive DONE and so much i want to include but... who wants to read all that!?" and i certainly do not want to write all that. so to end this off... I FINALLY GOT TO SEE KNOCKED LOOSE. my boyfie and i went down to beautiful washington d.c. to get the shit beat out of us in one of the rowdiest crowds i've ever had the pleasure of experiencing. we thought we had a good spot for the show but as soon as the first song started and you hear "everyone get the fuck up here!!!" ... you certainly aren't standing where you were anymore. it felt like a sea of people and all you can do is fight the current. absolutely fucking exhilarating. before the show started this dope ass group of people shared their j with us, you will meet the kindest people of your life at these kinds of shows, i swear.
and with that, i conclude this entry to my web log. im trying out this new blog layout which i think is a little easier to read and more fun :3 lmk your opinions, i'll be back to write about some mundane shit soon!!!
-jack (JACKARY) :middlefinger:
06 26 24 10:48am
hey, i just turned 20 ! ive been able to take a lot more commissions lately and im making mutuals on art sites again... i love being a weird ass furry. ive been thinking about it and at this point ive been a furry for like. 8 years... weird. im also going to my first furry con this year, shoutout anthrocon 2024 LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
06 08 24 1:41pm
i know it sounds silly, but today i mailed a postcard for the first time. i got to go to a pride event again this year with my partner and a close friend and it was a really fun experience. i bought a patch for my backpack and some other miscellenious goods while i was there. but for some reason the most important thing i got at pride was a simple postcard for about .50 lol. its just a weird thing ive always wanted to do. it feels more meaningful than just sending a text message. i just put it in the mailbox and its going to someone very dear to me, ive never done this before so i hope it goes well. i wish i recieved more physical mail but i guess to invite that kind of energy in you have to start putting it out there. things in life are ... fine. i guess. im very happy about the fact that there are only 7 days until i move into my new apartment. its really scary to have this sort of freedom now, because where i live now im kind of still restricted by the fact that i have roomates. now i get to have a place where i can actually mold into a home. a place where i dont have to feel like i should hide away from everyone and repress who i am. because i really need to figure that out lol, im about to be 20 this month as well. and i want to grow and be a better person, i think im moving in the right direction. i am not actively suicidal anymore. which is ... insane, considering the 18 years i just lived wanting nothing but to disappear. i dont harm myself in any form anymore, i have started going to the gym and eating healthier, ive been going outside and socializing more than i ever have in my life... and all i can really say about it is that its weird! it really is.
things will get better. they willll they will THEY HAVE TO!!!!!!!!!
05 24 24 07:07pm
-__-
yknow. it always seems to be when you think things cant get worse that they always seem to do so. whether its the fact that i walked up on my car nearly getting towed the other day as if it were some shitty reality tv show and needing to pay $100 for him to not take my vehicle to the lot. or the fact that i now have to live with a surprise fourth person in the house because our other roommate decided for himself that it was just ok to move someone in who has to sleep on the couch that we are supposed to be taking when we move. things always seem to just fucking suck! always!
i really really just wanted our last couple weeks living here to be normal but now i have to change everything about my daily routine to appease the fact that theres just some fucking rando sleeping on the couch. now i have to hide every feeling i have so i dont make the people around me miserable too. im so fucking agitated why cant things just be normal for once.
i cant wait to get the fuck out of here.
one month until my birthday.
05 22 24 09:20am
good morning.
i barely know where to start with this blog post because i cant even believe its happening lol. if you read earlier entries here you might have seen my horrible first experience apartment hunting. well fail once try again because the second application my partner and i put in actually pulled through T__T. i cannot believe i have signed a lease. i cant believe i made first months rent payment already. these are all terribly scary adult tasks and i feel like the jello equivalent of an adult human being... im so excited. im scared! im horrified but im exhilarated. about everything really. there are roughly 33 days until my 20th birthday, and im still afraid im not doing enough. i feel like im doing something wrong or theres something that im supposed to be doing but im not. but i have also noticed from talking to actual adult people that nobody really seems to know what theyre doing. maybe its the things fucked up with me that wont let me feel like a true adult yet. maybe i just need to live without a fuckass crazyass roommate for once. whether it be my literal family or some guy i worked fast food with for a few years. i never really hae had a safe and healthy environment for me to be myself. ive never had a place that i can live and feel like a human being.
...
sorry im sitting at the library to write this once again while i do laundry and i mistook a tattoo on the man that i see every time i come here as billy mays . so that kinda frightened me for a second
moving on from the ................ that. im really really really really excited to move despite all of my anxieties. im excited to decorate an entire place and im excited to build a home with my lovebug and get comfy bean bags and set up my desk so that i can have a proper art space to paint and draw and start learning how to tattoo... waah. with the realization that my birthday is coming up i started to think about the fact that my mom got me a tattoo gun for my birthday Last Year that i havent had the energy or time to actually use. with the set up of a desk to actually have a space to work and whatnot i think it could be something interesting to do. when i was younger i always told myself being a tattoo artist was like my "dream job" so to speak. realizing the world i actually live in and the bills i have to pay i knew i couldnt make it a full time job, so a hobby would suffice. however i just havent found myself able to get the damn gun out.
and no, dont worry. im not going to use myself as practice. i actually picked out a pretty decent gun with Non Body Safe Ink. so i can practice colors and whatnot. so i couldnt even try to tattoo myself if i wanted to
when it comes to actually pursuing tattooing ... im still kind of mixed on my answer. because yes, i think if i could get my skills up to a level that im proud of it could definitely be fun. however, my art isnt really where i want it to be at to be putting it on peoples bodies forever. and honestly im not that much of a people person. i worry i lack the social skills required to actually tattoo people. or maybe its the push in the direction i need to go ... @__@. ugh!!! once i get settled and actually buy a chair for my desk ill probably start learning how to pull lines or something. i dont know. theres a lot of things i want to learn. i learned the opening to "ohio is for lovers" by hawthorne heights on guitar but i ended up not being able to practice very well because my hands are too small to wrap around the neck x__x. i wish i was joking. i have always had really small hands compared to other people i guess. i might look into going to an actual music shop and buying a guitar that i can get my stupid little hands around and try again but we'll see. i worry i lack any sort of talent required for music or most of anything really. i talk myself out of a lot of things due to my own doubt.
something i have picked back up is working on my fursuit........yes boo boooo furry waah. cry about it and gtfoff my website. my suit has been a work in progress probably since sometime last year but ive had to restart it quite literally 3 times. i am on my third attempt at making this fucking thing im going to SCREAM. i have about half of the base cut out and ill probably have the other half done sometime soon... i dont have any commissions to work on right now so i might do more on my day off. if it doesnt work this time though i might freak the fuck out tbh. i cant try 4 times thats just overkill. if you care about my fursona at all, this is him.
his name is puppy and ......... he is me. irl :3c . gwah
i dont think his facial markings are too difficult for a beginner, but i do worry about finding the correct fur colors. i also am a little afraid to do the hair but a tumblr artist i rly enjoy was kind enough to make this explanation for me so waaaa. if anybody else needs reference on how to make emo fursuit hair check that out. i also have like no sewing experience so this will be a new one for me. i do think making his tunnels for his ears and his industrial piercing could be fun. i also want to try the magnetic eyelid thing.
i think ive ran out of writing juice. i wish i had more energy to walk to the cemetery today but i do not. i have been reading dracula lately and its good, im a little bored of it honestly but i will push through. i have been trying to hang out with friends more and get rid of past regrets ... idk. i want to be a better person for myself and everyone around me. i want to live.
i want to live.
05 01 24 ??:??
happy may. heres some shitty poem i wrote
i heard your cry as you locked the door
bursting through the blood pounding in my ears
a heart that can barely keep the beat
of the despairing song sung by the razor
the red that pours through veins escaping
as i take a sharp breath into goodbye
i will savor the darkness as i slip away
04 30 24 12:59am
i dont know how i manage to feel worse in a situation that ive crafted myself. is it wrong to want something for yourself even though it didnt belong to you in the first place? maybe youll be better than i could be and it wont have mattered in the first place whether i was there or not. happy for you in the end even if my heart weighs down my body to the point of incapacitation. maybe ill get over it again and again and again and again
04 21 24 05:35pm
i write this to you with sore arms and a stiff neck. i had a GREAT TIME last night, and im so glad to be home. i probably will be going to work a little sleep deprived but such are the consequences of my actions lol :3 i dont really care. i feel bad for my boyfriend who will also be going to work with little to no sleep. god i fucking love him. hes making chicken parmesean for dinner and hes making like, fancy chicken parm.we gotta put the oven on broil . hes really good at cooking we eat pretty decently for being 20. at least recently our eating habits have gotten better ... tnigt is chicken parm and salad. umm. sorry lol he came to talk with me for a little. THE SHOW WAS REALLY GOOD!!! 4/20 of course is a holiday for me, so i took a 50mg gummy when we arrived at the venue and was goneeee :3c i copped some merch (of course) and then the waiting process began. intermissions between sets are the worst part of concerts ... i think theyre the only drawback really. not enough space came on first doing a fantastic job hyping up the crowd. they said it was their first tour and i was honored to be there for it, hearing the song nightmares live was a DREAM for me and i helped open the first pit of the night >:3 ... i havent been able to mosh at a show in a whiile . but this crowd was fucking rowdy so i didnt get into the pit again after that HAHA. extortionist came on after and also put on a good show ... frankly i was not here for them or traitors so we kinda hung out outside, which most venues ive been to dont have a seating area outside like that so it was rly nice to be able to give my legs a break T__T lolll.
excuse me while i eat dinner
( an entire day later )
after the support acts played it was finally time for the headliners, the question being which will play first? i dont listen to born of osiris so luckily for me attila came on first. absolutely INSANE show, i havent been to an attila concert since my first year at blue ridge rock festival in 2022. (dont get me started on 2023) ... but the energy was just how i remember it. fronz is a total madman and he knows how to control a crowd. at some point someone threw their bra up on stage for him. absolutely no other way that id want to be spending 4/20 than in a room screaming along to songs about partying and fucking and worshipping satan LOLL. i dont remember the entire set list but they played some new songs like "timebomb" and "bite your tongue" but also the absolute fucking bangers such as "three 6" , "metalcore manson" , and opening with "proving grounds" to start the set off right. i didnt get in this pit nor the wall of death but to be fair my glasses were hanging on by sheer will, a paperclip, and copious amounts of e6000 glue. i did just pick my new frames up today so thats not a problem anymore but so be it. im home now and im a lot less tired than i was after the show lol, we didnt even manage to stay for born of osiris' set, but i dont really mind. i once again have to go eat dinner that my lovely boy has made... peace :3 .
04 20 24 01:20am
HAPPY 4/20 ! today is the attila concert , i just have to get thru this shift at work and then im done. i go home and sleep and head out to central [redacted] for the show :3 . i received the financial blessing i was manifesting in the form of my roomate giving me $20 for buying tp a few times lol . helps with gas money :P
lets hope everything goes well. ill update later with more probably :3 ... baiiii
04 17 24 3:33pm
let me start this with a very long and overdramatically drawn out sigh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrghhghhh
i dont really know if theres much to talk about, but i will do my best to recall the like 2 months i havent written in here. ive been going outside more, which is nice considering i was a hermit for about 2 years. i have especially enjoyed going out to a state park near me. anywhere with a creek or running water is somewhere youll find me. its nice to go out and enjoy the little things, even just earlier my partner and i picked up lunch and sat at the duck pond and ate. it was sweet. i really need to make sure he knows how special he is, hes sweet. even when my dumbass is irritated or mad hes still so sweet to me. i dont deserve such love in my life. except, I Do. I DESERVE NICE THINGS DAMMIT. its just the line between knowing i deserve good things and thinking i deserve everything in the world to be handed to me on a silver platter. which is hard to decipher sometimes...
"whats with the dramatic ass sigh though"
right. that. look i dont really know if they think im like trying to torment them or something, but i dated this dude back when i was like 13 for a couple years. and thats not to downplay any feelings that were there, i was just 13 and fucking stupid. bla bla bla things end on a bad note but now i live in the same town where this guy works i guess. which is fucking hilarious to me, why? because they act like im gonna jump them in a fucking department store or something. i have no idea why theyre so scared of me considering that they hope theres "no hard feelings" and "hoping i dont hate them" ... the only reason theyre on my mind at all right now is the fact that they tried to block me on tumblr but ended up following me by accident. which led me down some sort of rabbit hole which made me see that they ALSO have a neocities !!! thats sooooo fucking funny.
anyways.
things are going well looking for a place to move i think. i really cant wait to get the fuck out of where i live now, i want to start a home with my boyfriendddd im sick of having a roomate who hogs the bathroom i want to decorate my place (even just an apartment) like im a vampire i cant wait i cannot wait to live like an actual person with actual freedom. the worst part of living alone is that its gonna be expensive but i really dont care. i work my stupid job to get by, i get to come home to my cat and boyfriend every day. someday he'll be my husband. IM SO LUCKY!!!!!!!! thats how ive been feeling lately. i feel like i am lucky to be alive and share these experiences with others. even if they suck its nice to just exist. ive struggled for so long and im so glad to know that i can get better and that i wont always be so scared and stuck and afraid .
also, my interest in bugs has grown lately. i have a stag beetle tattoo on my arm, the start of a sleeve of bugs and plants. but lately ive just been interested in entomology, bugs themselves scare me. if its alive im scared !!!!!!!!! but if it is like 10000% dead i can look at it and observe it and not want to scream. its a real contradiction with how interesting they are and how scared i am of them. yesterday during a trip out my boyfriend pointed out a deceased bumble bee on the trail we were walking on. so i took it home and its in the freezer waiting to be pinned T__T ... i want to have cool hobbies and ive been interested in bug pinning but why do i have to be the guy who collects dead bugssssssss T_T euugh. its fine. ill buy some pins shortly so i can get it displayed and framed. i will not trap a bug and kill it but if i do find one i will try to preserve it... so heres to finding more i guess *sob*
ill leave on the note of in 3 days i will be going on a road trip for a concert B) i am going to see attila with my boyfriend a couple hours away. on 4/20 B) hehehe. there is a strange novelty in staying in hotels and such. ill have to update with how the show was when i get back. peace
2 24 10:23am
waiting for my laundry to be done at the library so i may as well use the free computers to write in my blog. i didn't really feel like driving so i just carried my laundry bag to the laundromat (like. a 5 minute walk at max) ... and to my dismay as i was trying to put my clothes in the washer, i tore a massive hole in my laundry bag :'3. so i had to drive to the store anyways -__-. i bought a better bag so im just going to carry the clothes home once they're done in the drier. i still don't feel like driving.
i havent really updated my site because i've got other shit to do, drawing, crochet, playing super mario wonder, apartment hunting... eugh. it's absolutely miserable lol. a few days ago i drove with my partner 2 and a half hours to tour an apartment that we've had reserved since december. we walk into the leasing office and surprise surprise they don't take apartment tours after 4pm! (our tour was at 4:30pm...) and after disclosing that we had been scheduled for 2 months we were only met with:
"yeah you must have had rachael confirm it"
... who the fuck is rachael and why didn't she tell us sooner that we can't tour after 4pm even though it's an option online????????????
but i think we might have dodged a bullet honestly. -__- it bummed me the fuck out to the point i had a meltdown the next day but we march on. since we were close though we ended up going to a nearby mall, which made the day worth it. there's a round one arcade there, the closest one to where i live now, and it is by far one of my favorite arcades. there are plenty of import rhythm games, ddr machines, ufo catchers, etc etc. my first time playing my dream game, which i never thought i would be able to play in the states without buying myself, was here. this time around though i fucked around with the sound voltex cabinet. needless to say i want to go back lol. i didn't know there was so much to the cabinet itself, it's got the main screen where the notes come towards you and your tracks for the left and right knobs show. but theres also a screen underneath that one, like a car dashboard (LOL???) that has so many controls... i didn't even have time to figure it all out myself. my partner also hopped on the pump it up machine with me >__< huehuehue.
otherwise... i've just been trying to survive. hopefully i can be into my own apartment with my partner and my cat soon. tired of living with a roommate and etc etc... we talk of engagement but i refuse while i'm living where i am now. soon though.. hopefully. i really really do hope.
*ahem* anyways. i turn 20 this year, so im hoping shortly after or before that we can be in a place alone together. the way that we're saving money seems to be pointing towards that, god im terrified though.
i've also begun taking art commissions again. i burnt out really bad for a year straight of no drawing, but i'm working on my art style and i really like where it's heading. drawing is fun again, and i've already gotten 2 commissions :3. i also just opened a ko-fi account in hopes of raising money to move. waa waa
2 20 11:20pm
i cant wait to thrift furniture with you and crochet decor for our walls and blankets to keep us warm. i crave domestic life and its in my reach. im so thankful to be alive now
- because of you
1 18 (2024) 07:48am
my computer is about to die so i will write this as quickly as i can. nothing is wrong. literally nothing is wrong right now. and thats terrifying. ive lived in a constant state of stress and fear for the past 18 years and now that im about to be on my 20th. im so SCARED. evrything feels like its getting better, im doing my chores more often, im eating better, im about to go to the gym for the second time this week. WHAT THE FUCMK DO YOU MEAN I HAVE A GYM MEMBERSHIP???????? HOW THE hell would i explain to my younger self that im trying to get better that i am getting better that im about to be in my own apartment with the love of my life and our little baby cat how could i explain that i feel like myself that i can dye my hair fun colors that i can live and be myself and not have to fear the wrath of my father anymore. how could i tell you that we dont talk anymore? that you're free?
ANYWAYS. peace is the greatest fear ive ever known. but id rather be this scared for the rest of my life than ever go back to where i was. im so full of love and hope and joy and i still have my bad days but they arent as bad as they used to be. im free. i never thought id get here. i didnt think id be alive to see 20. but theres only 5 months now...
keep holding on. it gets better. i know it does.
12 27 12:11pm
i love you so much. dont you understand thats why this hurts so fucking bad?
i wish i could write screamo
maternal/paternal
12 25 5:42pm
its christmas, and im not 7 anymore. eek !!! look, its cool i guess , my first like... adult christmas. do i even celebrate christmas anymore ? its like a yule/christmas mashup at this point ...
my partner and i were gonna get sushi, but they were closed this year... so we ended up at the chinese buffet, yknow, the kind you find in a strip mall.
which yknow. it isnt bad, theres a lot of other people here.. and i used to come here a lot throughout my upbringing >__>;;
i love you bug ... merry christmas.
12 22 8:19pm
at least i made my bed today.
12 22 5:11am
thank you for helping me fold my laundry when i couldn't do it on my own. (and thank you for paying for spotify premium)
12 19 8:47am
sorry my mom and dad were a little too mean to me when i was young and now im like this forever lol ... ugh.
11 29 1:02am
there cannot be a better life than this one, he wakes me up with tea in my favorite mug. i've never had a sweeter morning.
11 16 11:45am
sometimes i feel a warm drop of water run down my wrist and my heart begins to race
11 14 5:17am
trying to not lose interest in living again . but i'll feel fine in about 3 days .
11 12 23 08:01am
i love you with all of my bruised heart
10 04 23 11:29pm
youd think being at a party would be fun. im trying to have fun, i really am. this whole scene isnt for me though. i can handle one or two people, yeah, but this just makes me want to go home. no amount of weed and alc can make this fun. im trying. im trying so hard. alcholics dont get far, unless they drink and drive. so lets go for a ride! if i could take my ass home i would. but i dont have the gas money for that. or the soberness to do so. im just kinda stuck here until we leave tomorrow. i just worked an 8hr overnight and slept for like 2 hours before i got here so im exhausted. im just tired. im so tired and im so sorry because i know im killing the party. this is supposed to be a celebration, a party, a good time, whatever. but as i sit here on the bathroom floor i cant help but wonder how long it will take for someone to realize im missing. how long it will take to realize "oh, we've left him in the room out there while we introduce another person to weed, lets head back out"? it doesnt matter i guess. nothing really matters, tomorrow will go on as it usually does. i might just be a little hungover.
at least i kick ass at mario kart.
the laughter from outside the room makes my entire body tremble. its simultaneously too quiet and too loud, everything is reverberating
"im so fucking faded dude" ... we get it. you're so cool for being so fucked up and inebriated, you're so fucking cool.
i guess i'll shut up now. drinking makes me want to smoke cigarettes. i hate cigarettes. but they're all waiting for me out there, "yeah he just disappears sometimes". they know i'm gone, so when i show up i have to act normal. i have to pretend i'm having a good time. i'm a horrible liar.
and the worst part is knowing i wouldnt be missed.
feeling: 
04 17 24 3:33pm 
